Beginning with an ending is a paradox concept. And this is the story that’s about to start my blog.
Of course, if you guys might recall that moment of breaking up was a horrible one. Perhaps, almost every one of you experienced it. I did recently. And it’s one of those thing that changed my life.
I’ve been with this girl for seven and a half years. It was our last year in middle school when it begun. It was not a short time and we experienced everything, at least I did. We broke up cause of long distance for three and a half year, and she decided to see some other guy that’s physically closer and more, dependable? Of course, it wasn’t just the problem. There’s plenty more. We broke up in good terms, I gave her chance to stay good friend like we used to, but I think it’s not working for her so I guess this was it, she’s just becoming somebody I knew. But of course I respect her, I won’t spoil her name and I’ll keep her secret like I’ve been doing for years.
Of course it was really hard. For more than seven years, she was the center of my world. My own gravitational pull making me built our own universe. And suddenly it was no more. The night I told her this was over, I cried all night making my eyes swelled. Not a guy thing. But, boy, wasn’t that a relief, it made me feel much better. All the sadness, disappointment, all the anger, just threw it out. And of course, it was not just that. For the next couple of months, I tried to let her go, let us go, get my life back on track, redesign my dream, and find help. I decided to spend my time working out, doing my hobby which is riding my motorbike, doing my college work, and spend some good time with friends. And this is where it gets interesting.
Breaking up made me allow myself to let the burden for the last couple of years out of my system. I pray as best as I could like meditating and trying to find clarity. I work out every morning, trying to make myself physically better inside and outside which is working. I decided to spare some of my money for my hobby which is a must, it could be buying motorbike parts or have a day riding, trying to see what my world should be, what I want to do. I do my college as best as I could, just trying to get out of it of course. And I spend some time with my good friends, the dudes and dudettes who sometimes I abandoned for the sake of my ex. I spend more time with my family, who I recently realize that I didn’t share enough moment with. All of it, in the hope that I could be a much better person, and get my life back on track.
You see, I know it sounded like I’m trying to distract my mind. Well, you’re wrong yet true. I’ve never been single, I started having relationship at 14, and I never thought about it before. So I never have this feeling of being single until now. And it’s new, it’s strange, but in my 20 something it’s good to learn a lot of thing, and being single is one. So I don’t consider myself losing. I kept trying to find thing to busy my mind, not letting myself to think about it. And I found myself getting better every time. It took some time, but I think it’s working.
I’m finding myself in a condition where I enjoy being single, where I can learn to live outside a relationship. I’m not saying that this is the kind of life I want to live in. But recently I think, if it is, why not? It’s a bit lonely, but I’m actually used to it. I’m not desperate to find another girl. There are millions of things I could enjoy out there. Adventures awaits. People I could meet. Career I could build.
Now it’s the matter of how I could make the best out of it. And I will.
I’m not afraid of falling in love again. It’s the most wonderful gift any human being could have. It’s just, I need some time. I need to do the whole process again, the whole phases. And this is now my biggest challenge. For years I’ve been trying to love a woman as best as I could, and I never know how to approach another one. And this, is where I’m fucked up.
Or, am I?